Grief’s far-reaching effects
Grief can affect both the mind and the body in dramatic ways. In a study of 33 recent widowers, researchers at Brandeis University were struck by the men’s poignant, emotion-filled metaphors of loss: ”I feel I am in a long dark tunnel and have not found an exit yet.” “It was like a tsunami,… like an enormous wave that crashes on your family and leaves you in a sea of silence.” “It’s like a hole that rips through your soul.”
At first, grief may permeate everything. You may find it hard to eat or sleep. It may be difficult to muster much interest in the life going on around you. You may experience restlessness, memory impairment, or difficulty concentrating. If you use alcohol, tobacco, or sedatives, you may find your consumption increasing. Symptoms similar to those the deceased had described may crop up in your own body—a frightening experience if he or she died from an illness. Some people, particularly children, may have other physical complaints, such as headaches, stomachaches, dizziness, or a racing heart.
The emotional maelstrom that grief stirs up can affect behavior and judgment. It’s common, for example, to feel agitated or exhausted or to cry or withdraw from the world at times. Sometimes intrusive or upsetting memories surface, as can temporary sensations of things being unreal. In her memoir, The Year of Magical Thinking, author Joan Didion eloquently described her altered sense of reality after the unexpected death of her husband, the novelist and screenwriter John Gregory
Dunne, and the simultaneous illness (and subsequent death) of their daughter, Quintana. She wrote:
There had been occasions on which I was incapable of thinking rationally. I was thinking as small children think, as if my thoughts or wishes had the power to reverse the narrative, change the outcome. In my case this disordered thinking had been covert, noticed I think by no one else, hidden even from me, but it had also been, in retrospect, both urgent and constant.
People who are grieving regularly have the experience of sensing the presence or hearing the voice of the deceased. These experiences are not pathological. Frequent thoughts of the person who died and feelings of self-reproach about aspects of the death are normal, too.
The effects are not just emotional. You may also be more susceptible to physical illness. Among other things, studies have shown that immune cell function falls and inflammatory responses rise in people suffering bereavement. That may help explain why people often note a surge in ailments such as colds and why they tend to use more health care resources during this period. Following a loss, people are also at increased risk of hospitalization, high blood pressure (hypertension), and heart disease, and their existing medical conditions, such as heart failure, tend to worsen. Over all, they report reduced quality of life over the ensuing one to two years. Indeed, bereavement increases the risk of death from a variety of causes, including suicide. There is even an increased risk of cancer for those who develop complicated grief (see “Depression and complicated grief.”).
Expect that while you are grieving, you will not be yourself. But also know that the pain will not always be so intense. Self-care, which includes allowing yourself to be cared for, is important during these difficult times. This report offers many ideas for how to cope during this stressful time.